In this post I write about my experiences as a girl who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, who was finally diagnosed in her mid-thirties. I also share my hopes for girls growing up today with ADHD, and what can be done to make a difference.
Living with undiagnosed ADHD at school and work
Experiences at school
Some of my reports from school as young child were interesting. Here’s a couple of things teachers said:
“Must avoid the tendency to chatter and daydream. Must try to sustain the high level of work which she has shown that she is capable of producing.”
“She is easily overexcited and distracted from her work, causing fluctuations in the standard of her work and her behaviour.”
Despite these comments, most of the time I got by perfectly fine at school, even if some of my coping mechanisms were a little eccentric. For example, although I had a very small frame, I carried ALL my books to school every day so that I would never forget which ones to take.
Outside of school, I spent a lot of time staring into space thinking about one thing or another, and was terrible at getting out of the house on time (both still apply fairly often!)
In sixth form a teacher thought that I was likely Oxbridge material, and encouraged me to work as hard as I could in order to apply. The slight problem was that under exam conditions, my results were mediocre at best. Despite support on exam technique, time and time again my results were far below what was expected of me and my potential.
Experiences at university
Whilst I did get into University, my performance followed a similar pattern, and a lack of structure exacerbated things. In short I felt like an utter failure, and developed a real phobia of academic work. If I was supposedly bright, why did I not have anything to show for it?
Experiences at work
These difficulties stretched into my professional life but showed themselves differently. As a nurse, organising and prioritising numerous tasks within a fast-paced and quickly evolving context was exhausting. On a number of occasions I was told to work faster, and I was always worried I was going to forget something important which might end up harming a patient. Somehow in all of that though, I was considered a conscientious and diligent nurse – but it came at a high personal cost.
Living with undiagnosed ADHD wasn’t the easiest. I didn’t have any reason for struggling. So of course, it must be my fault. Of course, I must be lazy. So I must just try harder, and harder, and harder.
Getting an ADHD diagnosis
Despite all these struggles I’ve experienced, it wasn’t until I was 36 that I finally got diagnosed with ADHD. It was my wife who’s worked in adult education who suggested that I get assessed.
I’m fortunate that I now have a diagnosis. I now know what I’m dealing with. I have several coping strategies. I find it hugely helpful to write lists and reorganise them through various apps and tools. I know that I need regular down time, where I go and sit in a quiet room. Being out in nature and going on walks by the sea help me to burn off energy and switch off my mind. Medication also takes the edge off the severity of my symptoms.
Being diagnosed has not only helped me to cope with life better, but it’s also brought a level of acceptance which I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I might still get frustrated with myself at times, but ultimately I know that my difficulties are not my fault or some sort of moral failing. It also explains a lot of my issues I’ve experienced with mental health. I’ve not failed, and I’m not a failure.
Girls are less frequently diagnosed
Girls and women are less often diagnosed, and when they are, they’re likely to be diagnosed late. They also don’t tend to show the same patterns of behaviour as boys because they’re less outwardly hyperactive, more inattentive, and have fewer behavioural problems.
I’d been under the radar partly because I’d learnt lots of ways to compensate, and partly because of the way ADHD affects women and girls so that it’s not so obvious.
Because I’m not male, I don’t act like what you’d typically expect from someone who has ADHD. Even the junior doctor assessing me was confused by how I presented and had to get advice from his consultant. As a good girl I’ve been conditioned to behave. “Do you get up in meetings and pace around?”, I was asked. “No”, I replied, “but I want to”. Setting aside stereotypes of rowdy boys with ADHD, typical diagnostic criteria for ADHD aren’t written for girls or women, whose symptoms tend to be far less overt. I mean, what does “I feel like I’m driven by a motor” even mean? I’m like a car?!
What it’s like to have ADHD
So what is having ADHD like? No one person with ADHD is alike, but for me operating ‘normally’ can use up a lot of energy. I don’t have a great concept of time, and I’m naturally disorganised. I can also be impatient, easily distracted, and forgetful. I need to move most of the time, even if just to fidget – this doesn’t stop even when I’m a sleep.
I don’t always think in a very linear way, and going down rabbit holes is common. I can find it difficult to summarise my thoughts, especially when put on the spot without enough time to crystallise my thoughts. This is largely due to my brain usually going at lightning speed in a million directions. Eventually my brain stalls and freezes, and it seems to shut down, or at least slow to a glacial pace.
I still experience anxiety, which I understand is incredibly common in people who are neurodiverse. I recognise that a lot of it is due to having an overactive mind which struggles to find the off switch – and if I don’t purposefully stop, I know the consequences of not letting my brain have space to disentangle.
Whilst I will never stop having ADHD, it does have its benefits. I thrive in a career which plays to my strengths as someone who has ADHD. I know that I’m determined and hardworking. I’m able to quickly synthesise complex information to make unique connections. I naturally think laterally and have good problem-solving skills. I’m creative, and love photography, writing and sewing.
My hopes for girls growing up today with ADHD
I wish my experiences had been better when I was younger, and that I got the support I needed when I needed it. I think if I had had that, my earlier experiences and beliefs about myself would not have been nearly as difficult. But I am glad that I now understand myself better and am largely at peace with my perceived failures earlier in life. And I also hugely value the unique strengths and gifts that having ADHD bring.
My hope for girls growing up today with ADHD is that they are more quickly recognised and provided with the support they need. I think a greater awareness of what ADHD looks like in girls in education and primary care would be a good place to start. I’d also like to see diagnostic criteria move away from being based on what it typically looks like in males.
More widely, I’d like to do away with our understanding of ‘normal’, whether that’s how girls should behave, how we determine someone’s worth, or how we expect others to fit in. If I didn’t have to hide being ‘not normal’ for the sake of being ‘normal’, life would have been a lot easier. Ultimately I believe it’s our diversity as human beings which makes life rich and meaningful, rather than our ability to hide those things which make us special and unique.